I wish I had your life

Self Pic taken along the PCH near Malibu. Just me, having an impromptu roadside photo shoot, of myself, by myself :-)

Has anyone ever said to you “I wish I had your life”?  I’ve had a few people say that to me in the past couple years.  I am in a position NOW in my life where I am able to travel quite a bit.  I am fully retired and my husband still works a Monday-Friday job so I have lots of free time during the week.  My kids are both grown and live in different cities so my full time parenting duties are done.  I turn 50 this year and I am finally being what I wanted to be when I grew up.  Don’t misunderstand me.  I always wanted to be a Mom and I am.  That is one dream that I had for when I became an adult.  I am a wife too and I absolutely LOVE my husband and kids.  Being a wife and Mom (and now Grandma) fills my heart with joy and makes me happy.  It’s just that they don’t need as much of me as they have in the past.  That leaves room for new dreams to grow inside.  I don’t think that just because one dream came true I’m not allowed to have any more.  Life is for living and you should wake up every day passionately seeking to make your dreams come true.  If we quit dreaming, we quit living.  I love to do lots of things.  I love to read, cook, swim, bike ride, watch movies, spend time with my family, ......While I enjoy many things, I am passionate about ONE thing-Travel.  I have always told my kids to do what makes them happy in life.  I believe in practicing what you preach (or better said--living by example) so now that I am retired, why was I not taking MY passion and doing it as my job??  Why couldn't I take what I love to do and turn it into my forever career?  I'm half way through life (if I live to be 100) and it's time to be all that I can be in a world I love.  I spend every waking moment researching travel, photographing everything around me and traveling.  I then share my experiences with friends and family so it feels like they went with me.  This is what I am passionate about.  It is my life--literally.  When someone says “I wish I had YOUR life” I get a little upset.  First of all--You want the life I have  NOW.  You didn’t want it 25 years ago when I was in an abusive relationship that almost cost me my sanity AND my life.  I don’t recall anyone saying they wanted my life then.  I also served for 20 years in the military.  This involved working long days and nights, weekends, recalls in the middle of the night, deployments, Birthdays, Anniversaries and Holidays spent away from loved ones and celebrated on different days,..........Part of this time I was a single parent.  Besides struggling financially, I struggled every day to make the most of every little minute I had to be a Mom.  Having to leave my children in support of Desert Storm was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  There was no skype, face time, even email at that time.  All we had was snail mail (letters) and one 5 minute phone call a week if we were lucky.  My daughter was 4 1/2 years old and my son 16 months at the time.  He did not understand at all when I left that morning.  My daughter knew enough to ask me (on our rare phone call) “Mommy, when are you coming home?”  I was not able to answer her.   I can remember feeling like my heart was literally breaking.  I'm pretty sure these people weren't wanting my life then.  We were sent on a mission with no end date.  Deployments now in the military are usually a set time.  You know you will be gone 6 months, or 8 months, or a year.  Not knowing when I was going to see my kids again was the hardest part.  The only thing that made it bearable was knowing my kids were with my Mom and that my fiancee was there to help out on weekends and have time to form a relationship with them without me in the picture.  He was working 16 hour days running the Emergency Room at the Military Hospital in San Antonio.  Instead of going home on Friday night and just relaxing (maybe sleeping) on the weekend, he would pick up my kids from my Mom and take them to his home for the weekend.  This gave my Mom a break and more importantly gave him and my kids time to form a Father/child relationship without me being in the way.  My kids were used to having me to themselves.  I know that being physically removed from them, they were forced to choose him over me.  My husband is a true one in a Billion man and when I think of the sacrifices he made for my kids (after just dating and knowing me 3 months), it makes my heart swell.  He is the greatest gift I’ve ever received and I never even asked for him! 

I didn’t realize when I started writing this post how personal it was going to get.   If you are reading this, I consider you a friend and I write like I am having a conversation with you.  I have no secrets and everything I have experienced in my life has been for a reason.  Maybe someone reading this will be encouraged by my words and know that there is hope for them.  You are NEVER too old to have your fairytale ending and live happily ever after.  I guess that’s why I really don’t like it when someone says they wished they had my life.  Why would you want mine, you have your own.  Why would you want to live MY dreams, don’t you want or have your own?  It feels like cheating to me.  Like you showed up for the pop quiz on “What do you want to do with YOUR life” and you didn’t study (or give it any thought) and just decided to copy my answers.  I am living MY dream life.  Now.  Even when it wasn’t all roses and magical trees singing to me, I still only wanted MY life.  I never wished I was someone else or had someone else’s life.  I took the good, the bad and the ugly and embraced every minute.  Even the worst things in my life happened for a reason.  I have experienced things that allow me to be empathetic and understanding to others possibly going through a similar situation.   I hope I can be a light that shines for them and says “It’s going to be alright, Life is Good and it will get better”.  I will not only survive this, I will thrive.  I will come out on the other side a better and stronger person.  So if you’re on the outside looking at me and thinking “Man, I wish I had her life”, change your attitude and a few words and instead say, “I want what she’s got.  I’m going to make my dreams come true and live MY life as full as she lives hers.”  Don’t be jealous or envious, be inspired.  Take the first step to making YOUR life one that you want.  Dream.  After that, get to work and make it happen.  After all, a dream is a wish YOUR heart makes :-)